Putting trust in humans is like building a house using paper bricks. It's bound to get blown down, spontaneously combust in flames, washed away or trampled on by Big Fish. And we know this, but we do it anyway!
It's a proven fact, well known even, people suck. But I continue to place unabiding faith in a persons ability to change for the better. Then I ask myself why? Why do they keep crawling back? Why bother if the reason for departing is the very reason my back is turning once more. Travelling down this beaten path has led me to think that maybe it's me, maybe I suck. Maybe the way to get people to treat you good is to treat them bad, then watch them crawl back to you like a cockroach with no legs. Watch them flail under a rushing waterfall.
No one likes the nice Little Fish. That's no way to get anywhere in life! But, but! My lower lips trembles, my feet aren't big like theirs. I can't trample on anything! My whisper light footsteps barely leave a carbon footprint. My fragile heart so open to shattering at any given stage. How could I lend it to such mistreatment again? how could this Little Fish ever think that they'd ever be accepted in a world crawling with people like her.
Angry Little Fish turns blue with rage. I stamp up and down but don't even leave a mark. "Why can't I trample their hearts like they trampled mine" I seethe! My little body shakes with anger, falling to the ground frozen in fit. It's happening again, she's crushed my spirit. Arghhhh! Piercing screams. Screams pierce my ears like perfectly sharpened darts.
They are coming now. This is it. This is the end. The ground rumbles like an empty belly beneath me and my frozen body is awoken from its slumber. With one mighty push they begin their charge. Once the dust settles my battered body is revealed. Perhaps no different than before. They've done it again. Gone and trampled on my heart like it's the dirt they walk on. I should've known. I should've seen it coming. But not this time. And certainly not the next.
If nothing else, trampled hearts lead to heartfelt blogs.
Friday, September 19, 2008
Friday, September 12, 2008
Touch The Sky
I never truly realised how big the sky was, until today.
You can't measure the sky, you can't compare it to anything. We don't know where it starts and where it ends. If it ends at all. Maybe it goes on forever. expansing the whole of the universe. I wonder if the sky is the same in other countries. Or do we all have different skies?
Today the orange tinged mauve sky captured my heart. It captured my thoughts and it captured my soul.
Imagine being a part of something that big. Imagine being so significant.
I'm going to find ways to be closer to the sky. I'll sit upstairs on the train from now on, no longer do I want to be a part of the barren earth. I'll climb more ladders in order to be part of something bigger than me, bigger than you even. I'll stretch my arms out as long as my limbs will allow, I'll touch the sky with my nimble hands.
You can't measure the sky, you can't compare it to anything. We don't know where it starts and where it ends. If it ends at all. Maybe it goes on forever. expansing the whole of the universe. I wonder if the sky is the same in other countries. Or do we all have different skies?
Today the orange tinged mauve sky captured my heart. It captured my thoughts and it captured my soul.
Imagine being a part of something that big. Imagine being so significant.
I'm going to find ways to be closer to the sky. I'll sit upstairs on the train from now on, no longer do I want to be a part of the barren earth. I'll climb more ladders in order to be part of something bigger than me, bigger than you even. I'll stretch my arms out as long as my limbs will allow, I'll touch the sky with my nimble hands.
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Six Minutes In An Alternate Universe
The train came to it's routine halt and I watched as the horses looked on in despair. Foals. Tens and tens of foals. Their excited screams rang through the horses ears. And like magnets to a fridge the horses reclused to their respective corners and waited for the onslaught of foals.
Normally I'd join the horses in their dislike of these noisy creatures but this time it was different. On any other day I'd have relinquished the silent depths of the metal enclosure, but today, today i revelled in their excitement. We're on a train hooray!
To the foals I was just another horse. But I was a fish, a little fish. My eyes skimmed anxiously over the crowd, pondering which one would sit beside me. Which one would take on the world from my point of view for just a little while.
Little CC sat down and the head horse ordered an obedient silence. The foals ignored her. CC leant forward and started conversing with a neighbour foal. Watching this, I muted my distraction and listened in on their hushed whispers. I wanted to know what they were talking about. I wanted to know what went on in the land of foals. Was their world upside down like mine? Was the sky black? Did they have souls? I had to have my questions answered.
My body urged me to lean forward and become an invisible member of their huddled duo, to learn their secrets and make good use of them. I looked around, they were all conversing, not like the horses. The horses were all sitting in silence staring at apparently nothing. This used to be me.
I imagined myself talking with the foals, laughing with them, whispering into their tiny ears, whispering secrets that were too sacred for the ears of a horse. I wanted to tell them that life was hard, that life wasn't fair, that they should embrace their world now while they could. I wanted them to know they had potential and they could do anything. I wanted to tell them not to turn out like me. But I couldn't. I couldn't tell them anything, to them I was no little fish, to them I was nothing.
These innocent foals had no idea. They had no idea what life held for them, what tragedies they would have to face as they grew up. Which battles they would win, and which they would lose. I suppose their naivety equates to their seemingly innocent demeanour.
Before I became eternally immersed in their world the train came to a halt once again. It was time for them to leave. I was sad. I didn't want them to go. These six minutes had been fun, joyous even. Six that I would never forget. For six mere minutes I was in a place that I never thought I'd be allowed back to, a place where I wasn't me, a place where I was one of them.
Little CC with her big black eyes picked herself up, she stood idle, hesitant to leave this place, but without warning life yanked her along regardless of her intention. She was gone. They were all gone. Every one of them. I peered out the window, desperately trying to remember their faces. Maybe we'd meet again. Maybe they'd remember me like I'd remember them.
Normally I'd join the horses in their dislike of these noisy creatures but this time it was different. On any other day I'd have relinquished the silent depths of the metal enclosure, but today, today i revelled in their excitement. We're on a train hooray!
To the foals I was just another horse. But I was a fish, a little fish. My eyes skimmed anxiously over the crowd, pondering which one would sit beside me. Which one would take on the world from my point of view for just a little while.
Little CC sat down and the head horse ordered an obedient silence. The foals ignored her. CC leant forward and started conversing with a neighbour foal. Watching this, I muted my distraction and listened in on their hushed whispers. I wanted to know what they were talking about. I wanted to know what went on in the land of foals. Was their world upside down like mine? Was the sky black? Did they have souls? I had to have my questions answered.
My body urged me to lean forward and become an invisible member of their huddled duo, to learn their secrets and make good use of them. I looked around, they were all conversing, not like the horses. The horses were all sitting in silence staring at apparently nothing. This used to be me.
I imagined myself talking with the foals, laughing with them, whispering into their tiny ears, whispering secrets that were too sacred for the ears of a horse. I wanted to tell them that life was hard, that life wasn't fair, that they should embrace their world now while they could. I wanted them to know they had potential and they could do anything. I wanted to tell them not to turn out like me. But I couldn't. I couldn't tell them anything, to them I was no little fish, to them I was nothing.
These innocent foals had no idea. They had no idea what life held for them, what tragedies they would have to face as they grew up. Which battles they would win, and which they would lose. I suppose their naivety equates to their seemingly innocent demeanour.
Before I became eternally immersed in their world the train came to a halt once again. It was time for them to leave. I was sad. I didn't want them to go. These six minutes had been fun, joyous even. Six that I would never forget. For six mere minutes I was in a place that I never thought I'd be allowed back to, a place where I wasn't me, a place where I was one of them.
Little CC with her big black eyes picked herself up, she stood idle, hesitant to leave this place, but without warning life yanked her along regardless of her intention. She was gone. They were all gone. Every one of them. I peered out the window, desperately trying to remember their faces. Maybe we'd meet again. Maybe they'd remember me like I'd remember them.
Saturday, September 6, 2008
Carbon Black Holds My Soul
Carbon black earth swallowed my soul. Carbon black earth swallowed me whole.
I find myself spinning in an alternate universe. One where there is me at one end and you at the other. One where I reach out my arms to grab you, to take back my life that I began building, but I can't reach. It's the classic nightmare, only it's real.
Frustration engulfs me. Crimson overtakes me. Hate consumes me. I hate. I hate what I am and what I'm becoming, what I've become. With every waking second I'm turning into a monster that I can't banish. A monster I can't push off the edge. A monster that looks all too familiar. A monster that looks like me. A carbon black monster that holds my once hopeful soul. A soul with life.
I look in the mirror to carbon black eyes and see nothing. My soul is gone. My expression is vacant. My body is detached. What is this place I find myself in? What is this feeling that wont go away?
I'm in a world I fail to understand. I'm in a body i fail to connect with. I'm in a mind that wants out. I'm in a heart that holds on, only for you, for us.
I'm in a life I can't live.
I find myself spinning in an alternate universe. One where there is me at one end and you at the other. One where I reach out my arms to grab you, to take back my life that I began building, but I can't reach. It's the classic nightmare, only it's real.
Frustration engulfs me. Crimson overtakes me. Hate consumes me. I hate. I hate what I am and what I'm becoming, what I've become. With every waking second I'm turning into a monster that I can't banish. A monster I can't push off the edge. A monster that looks all too familiar. A monster that looks like me. A carbon black monster that holds my once hopeful soul. A soul with life.
I look in the mirror to carbon black eyes and see nothing. My soul is gone. My expression is vacant. My body is detached. What is this place I find myself in? What is this feeling that wont go away?
I'm in a world I fail to understand. I'm in a body i fail to connect with. I'm in a mind that wants out. I'm in a heart that holds on, only for you, for us.
I'm in a life I can't live.
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