Don't Make Me The One That You Left Behind

She was one of those rare special people who stuck to their word, even after I’d come unstuck with mine so many times. She even gave me a song that was all mine. She gave me a lot of songs actually, but this one really stuck. She was a wallflower, and that makes sense doesn’t it? Because I found her on a wall on a beautiful day where the clouds made ripples in the sky like the ocean. Some say that’s not possible, to compare the sky to the ocean, but I think it is, and this girl that I found on a wall, she thought so too.

When you look out to sea and all you see is ocean and sky you get this feeling that you are losing everything that’s been holding you back, you get this feeling that you can leave it behind because that line between the sky and the ocean, it becomes blurred. So much so that you begin to believe that there really could be ripples in the sky just like the ocean and maybe that’s all you need to believe.

I don’t believe it’s impossible, for two to merge into one, and for all that vastness what you get in return is clarity, and then finally, finally, you can let go. But like that blurred line, you realise that the girl you found on a wall, she’s fading away, and you can’t figure out if you should blame the ocean or the sky or maybe you should just blame yourself. Because all those rare special people only exist in the moments before a moment, everything after that is up to you. And if I were more grateful I’d say thank you, for letting me find this girl, for letting me have this one moment, but I can’t help but wonder where that girl has gone.

You are probably someone else’s girl now, and I know that you were never mine, but you took a chance on me and I let you down. You decided I wasn’t worth the risk and you know what, I’m not, but you should have never made me feel this way, because for as long as you’ve been gone, all I can do is look for you, or look for someone like you. And I don’t know what feeling is worse, knowing there is no one else like you, or not ever really knowing you at all.

We have this tendency to exaggerate until suddenly we believe the impossible, and I guess it was all the dreams about you, but you’ve become so exaggerated that I’ve begun to wonder if you were ever real. And that wall that I found you on has become the outline of my world, a wall that exists for as long as I let it, a wall that exists without you, and that seems more impossible to me than anything. That you, the girl, the rare special girl, the wallflower that I picked, that you are no longer on that wall and that wall continues to haunt me and I’ve chased that wall to the place where only the sky and the ocean lay, but you aren’t there. And all I can tell you now is that I no longer believe.

I had this thought, this crazy thought that you’d be back one day and you’d find the wall where I found you and you’d write to me. But I guess to you this feels like the right thing to do. But can I tell you that all I feel is sadness and disappointment. That you became one of those people who disappeared, and if it was just that, then I would have expected it, forgave it. But you told me you weren’t one of those people and it sounds so stupid now but there seemed to be so much honesty between us that I actually believed you.

Looking now at the empty wall the truth seems hard to find. What you did, what you are doing, it’s not helping, and I know you think it is. You think that I need time and space, but I’ve told you about all the things I don’t believe in and they made the list. Maybe I’m wrong and maybe I’ve been wrong all this time. Maybe you aren’t that rare special girl and what I never told you is that I never really wanted it to happen, and I know you said it never could, but I knew that and all I wanted was something to believe in again. And no, you know what, I’ve tried to live my life, to let it go and leave it, and that’s great advice coming from someone who’s already left. I’ve been living with this delusion that you’ll read my writings on the wall, that you’ll come back one day, that you might even write back to me, you might even consider that we could start again.

So here it is, I’m giving you my truths and right now to me they feel like the ripples in the sky, but you don’t look at the sky anymore do you?