As The Days Go By

It seemed to me that my father had softened over the years, or perhaps it was just that I never knew him very well. But I did know that when he used to hit my mother he was not soft. His anger has dissolved now and I wonder if that will happen to me too, but I don't think I want to wait that long.

Now he is a two time divorcee with four boys and one girl; me, living in a complex of units in a town so small and far that I've forgotten the name. My father lines up at Crackerjack Chicken and Big Dad's pies for his meals and the thought makes me sad. If he were closer I'd invite him over, remind him what real food tasted like. He could only ever cook grilled cheese sandwiches, but they were the best, that I remember.

I don't know much about his life, only that it is small, and the same things must happen to him a lot, I get scared sometimes, that maybe that will be me in twenty years. Lining up at Crackerjack Chicken behind the young sheila who lived next door, two wives I'd had, five children I'd called my own. But I could never marry, or have children, so I know atleast, our lives will not be exactly the same in twenty years time.

I wish I were still young enough to ask my father silly questions, like what it was like being in the army, and what did he imagine his future to be like? Not like this I am sure. He has his kids atleast, but we don't talk much, him and I, what would we talk about? I think now, my father is beginning to look at me and realise what he has missed out on, he says he should visit more, slack he is, I'm too nice to pull him up on it, but it was true. I guess he decided that I was someone he wanted to know, and that scares me a little. What if I'm not who he thought I was? Or what if I turn out to be someone he doesn't like? Will he leave again, but not looking back this time?

I've never really been angry with my father, mostly I feel sorry for him. I think he has always loved my mother, but she has not always loved him, worst mistake of her life he was, that probably meant me too. But I am glad, that she did not love him back anymore, because for certain if she did, I would not be here now. I don't know where I would be, I don't know if I would be at all. All I know is that she was in trouble and she had to get out. I just hope that I am never in so much trouble that I have to get out.

I am not like mother nor father, but like someone who has grown up by themselves, and I look at them and remind myself that they are human, and we make mistakes more often than we get it right, and I just have to keep remembering that.

But I do hope my father finds someone who will look after him, so he can stop lining up at Crackerjack Chicken behind the young sheila who lives next door, because she's no good for him and neither is the food. My father is an honest man, he may not be the most exciting man in the world, but he is funny and honest and I'm proud of him for that. And maybe I am like him somehow too, funny and honest, atleast, I am trying really hard to be and that's something isn't it.