I'm Only Pretty Sure That I Can't Take Anymore

So you go and live your life, you go and forget about me, go and replace me with someone similar, tell yourself that you are doing the right thing for all of us. You go and do what's good for you, because what's good for me stopped being good a long time ago.

I've had this dulling pain in my stomach for the last seven days and I think it is the pain of losing slowly, it's not sharp and intrusive but it's always there, when I wake up, when I think about you. This dulling pain heightens when I see you, when I think about seeing you, it becomes sharp and intrusive because I realise it is easier to hate you than to love you.

And so that's what I do, I hate instead of love and all the residual feelings of sorrow and loneliness are now replaced by an urgent angst, I am punching the brick wall now instead of crashing into it, slowly, sadly.

So you go and do what's good for you. You go and worry about yourself and don't you worry about me because I've decided to hate. You are going now with the pieces of my life that I handed to you, the pieces I told you to throw away.

So go and live your life and I'll live mine. I'll forget about you and the pain will pass.

You go and climb over those brick walls, and maybe you'll say hi to me as I crash into them, as my fists crash into them, as my heart crashes and my mind takes control.

Go and do what's good for you because I know you will. Forget this mess and just remember that you left a mark on me. So go and live your life, that's what I'm supposed to do right? Now that you are gone, or now that you are going, you did everything I said and now I hate you for it, because this dulling pain won't leave me and neither will my feelings.

I wonder how it's going to be when you don't know me anymore?

It's like you are removing all traces of yourself from my view, from my life. It's like you are scared. It's like you are being overly cautious. It's like you think I'm a danger to you. It's like you are gone.

So you go and live your life, you go and forget about me, go and replace me with someone similar, tell yourself that you are doing the right thing for all of us. And what happens when you do? You say we don't forget, but then what? If we don't forget then are we destined to fall?