Grey

Grey has returned. This is not what it used to be. This place...home? Creeping senses whisper familiar tales of adventure. Emotions pull back, wincing like an open sore. Surely, this place, this grey place is not home. Home is gone. Who am I if I am not home?

Strange. Latte planes feel like a strangers arm on the train. Is this home? Foreign objects clutter my vision. Was this home once? Alone and uneasy. This was never home.

My sense of smell is misguided. There is only one scent I pick up. And it is yours. But where are you if I am home?

Translucent grey becomes opaque and my vision of you fades. Familiar habits prove unsuccessful. I can't shake this feeling. I can't go back to this place, this grey place. I can't go back home.

A coat of yellow won't mask the grey. A coat of yellow won't mask the pain.

Suspicious Minds

Today marked the sighting of one half of the criminal mastermind duo i mentioned in one of my very first blogs.

She entered the bus looking suspiciously normal. This had me on the case right away. Who does she think she's fooling with those tracksuit pants and fake diamond rings anyway? Certainly not me. Her partner in crime was nowhere to be seen which led my mind to wander. Where could he be? To this very day I'd never seen the pair apart. Maybe they had attracted some unwanted attention from an unknown blogger and decided to go undercover, the woman would 'appear' to live a normal life like the rest of us while the man would secretly be involved in underground criminal activity involving boxes of Huggies nappies...

Clearly this couple are up to their old tricks so stay tuned for further future sightings. Remember, this blogger is watching you.

We're All Just Waiting, Waiting To Die

I sat there and waited. I waited for you. I waited for me. I waited, hoping for the world to pass me by. I watched. Watched all the people go by. I didn't know these people. These strangers. I watched them all come and go. None of them ever stayed. Only I did. I'll remember them, but they wont remember me. I'll remember how they frolicked in the grass so happily. I'll remember how I planned out their lives, each so perfectly wrapped in mystery. I'll remember these things, but they wont remember me. To them I was no one, but to me they were everything.

Today I waited alone. As I waited, I looked to the sky. The sky was waiting too. It was waiting for its time to leave, to pass us all by. We were all waiting for that. Maybe I could wait with the sky, maybe today we'd wait together. We'd share this memory. This memory of our shared loneliness. Today we were alone and waiting. Who were you waiting for? I was waiting for you. Maybe tomorrow you will wait with me.

Trampled Hearts and Heartfelt Blogs

Putting trust in humans is like building a house using paper bricks. It's bound to get blown down, spontaneously combust in flames, washed away or trampled on by Big Fish. And we know this, but we do it anyway!

It's a proven fact, well known even, people suck. But I continue to place unabiding faith in a persons ability to change for the better. Then I ask myself why? Why do they keep crawling back? Why bother if the reason for departing is the very reason my back is turning once more. Travelling down this beaten path has led me to think that maybe it's me, maybe I suck. Maybe the way to get people to treat you good is to treat them bad, then watch them crawl back to you like a cockroach with no legs. Watch them flail under a rushing waterfall.

No one likes the nice Little Fish. That's no way to get anywhere in life! But, but! My lower lips trembles, my feet aren't big like theirs. I can't trample on anything! My whisper light footsteps barely leave a carbon footprint. My fragile heart so open to shattering at any given stage. How could I lend it to such mistreatment again? how could this Little Fish ever think that they'd ever be accepted in a world crawling with people like her.

Angry Little Fish turns blue with rage. I stamp up and down but don't even leave a mark. "Why can't I trample their hearts like they trampled mine" I seethe! My little body shakes with anger, falling to the ground frozen in fit. It's happening again, she's crushed my spirit. Arghhhh! Piercing screams. Screams pierce my ears like perfectly sharpened darts.

They are coming now. This is it. This is the end. The ground rumbles like an empty belly beneath me and my frozen body is awoken from its slumber. With one mighty push they begin their charge. Once the dust settles my battered body is revealed. Perhaps no different than before. They've done it again. Gone and trampled on my heart like it's the dirt they walk on. I should've known. I should've seen it coming. But not this time. And certainly not the next.

If nothing else, trampled hearts lead to heartfelt blogs.

Touch The Sky

I never truly realised how big the sky was, until today.

You can't measure the sky, you can't compare it to anything. We don't know where it starts and where it ends. If it ends at all. Maybe it goes on forever. expansing the whole of the universe. I wonder if the sky is the same in other countries. Or do we all have different skies?

Today the orange tinged mauve sky captured my heart. It captured my thoughts and it captured my soul.

Imagine being a part of something that big. Imagine being so significant.

I'm going to find ways to be closer to the sky. I'll sit upstairs on the train from now on, no longer do I want to be a part of the barren earth. I'll climb more ladders in order to be part of something bigger than me, bigger than you even. I'll stretch my arms out as long as my limbs will allow, I'll touch the sky with my nimble hands.

Six Minutes In An Alternate Universe

The train came to it's routine halt and I watched as the horses looked on in despair. Foals. Tens and tens of foals. Their excited screams rang through the horses ears. And like magnets to a fridge the horses reclused to their respective corners and waited for the onslaught of foals.

Normally I'd join the horses in their dislike of these noisy creatures but this time it was different. On any other day I'd have relinquished the silent depths of the metal enclosure, but today, today i revelled in their excitement. We're on a train hooray!

To the foals I was just another horse. But I was a fish, a little fish. My eyes skimmed anxiously over the crowd, pondering which one would sit beside me. Which one would take on the world from my point of view for just a little while.

Little CC sat down and the head horse ordered an obedient silence. The foals ignored her. CC leant forward and started conversing with a neighbour foal. Watching this, I muted my distraction and listened in on their hushed whispers. I wanted to know what they were talking about. I wanted to know what went on in the land of foals. Was their world upside down like mine? Was the sky black? Did they have souls? I had to have my questions answered.

My body urged me to lean forward and become an invisible member of their huddled duo, to learn their secrets and make good use of them. I looked around, they were all conversing, not like the horses. The horses were all sitting in silence staring at apparently nothing. This used to be me.

I imagined myself talking with the foals, laughing with them, whispering into their tiny ears, whispering secrets that were too sacred for the ears of a horse. I wanted to tell them that life was hard, that life wasn't fair, that they should embrace their world now while they could. I wanted them to know they had potential and they could do anything. I wanted to tell them not to turn out like me. But I couldn't. I couldn't tell them anything, to them I was no little fish, to them I was nothing.

These innocent foals had no idea. They had no idea what life held for them, what tragedies they would have to face as they grew up. Which battles they would win, and which they would lose. I suppose their naivety equates to their seemingly innocent demeanour.

Before I became eternally immersed in their world the train came to a halt once again. It was time for them to leave. I was sad. I didn't want them to go. These six minutes had been fun, joyous even. Six that I would never forget. For six mere minutes I was in a place that I never thought I'd be allowed back to, a place where I wasn't me, a place where I was one of them.

Little CC with her big black eyes picked herself up, she stood idle, hesitant to leave this place, but without warning life yanked her along regardless of her intention. She was gone. They were all gone. Every one of them. I peered out the window, desperately trying to remember their faces. Maybe we'd meet again. Maybe they'd remember me like I'd remember them.

Carbon Black Holds My Soul

Carbon black earth swallowed my soul. Carbon black earth swallowed me whole.

I find myself spinning in an alternate universe. One where there is me at one end and you at the other. One where I reach out my arms to grab you, to take back my life that I began building, but I can't reach. It's the classic nightmare, only it's real.

Frustration engulfs me. Crimson overtakes me. Hate consumes me. I hate. I hate what I am and what I'm becoming, what I've become. With every waking second I'm turning into a monster that I can't banish. A monster I can't push off the edge. A monster that looks all too familiar. A monster that looks like me. A carbon black monster that holds my once hopeful soul. A soul with life.

I look in the mirror to carbon black eyes and see nothing. My soul is gone. My expression is vacant. My body is detached. What is this place I find myself in? What is this feeling that wont go away?

I'm in a world I fail to understand. I'm in a body i fail to connect with. I'm in a mind that wants out. I'm in a heart that holds on, only for you, for us.

I'm in a life I can't live.