Delicate

She looked like a fifties greaser in the tradition of k.d Lang, back when k.d Lang looked like the kind of girl you wouldn't take home to your mother, before she had you singing hallelujah. And what did that mean anyway? Why had she chosen those words to say to me at that time? Because I knew that everything she said, it had meaning, and that's what I liked about her, perhaps that's what I liked a little too much.

She was the kind of sexy that made you sigh because girl you were in so much trouble. And like k.d Lang, she had a way of singing about loss and longing that seemed to connect only with me, and when she stopped singing, when it was quiet, that was when I finally learnt what it was to lose.

There's always been this incredible distance between my heart and  my mind, there had to be, because I could not stop my heart from wanting what my mind knew I couldn't have. I'm still waiting for my hallelujah moment, and I know it should have come sooner, it should have come by now. I know what it is to feel too much and I know what it is to feel nothing at all, and she understood this in a way that made me think she did too.

Hallelujah is what she said to me, but I couldn't let those words be our last because I didn't know why she was saying them, I didn't know why she was leaving and I didn't know why my last image of her was my hands running through her hair, her baby face revealed, blue eyes that had lost so much.

So why do you fill my sorrow
With the words you've borrowed
From the only place you've known
And why do you sing Hallelujah
If it means nothing to you
Why do you sing with me at all?

I Believe In Breathing Just For Today

Don't let it haunt you because it will, and one day you will wake up and realise you have nothing. One day you will wake up and realise that all you have are memories, memories that haunt you. So whatever you do, don't let this haunt you, do something, do anything you can to let it go, just breathe and let it go.

There's Something In You I Believe In

There's that same old fear again, creeping back in, taking back a part of you that you had reclaimed. And you can't tell if the fear is because of exposure to the source, or if it's just back, because these things do come back and these things they are a part of you that is unchangeable. This fear that went away and cruelly came back, you remember it so clearly, and it's not something that you can describe to someone who hasn't felt it, but it is choking, it is struggling to breathe, it is trying really hard to describe it only to realise someone already has. The way that they describe it is beautiful, moving, and it's such an ugly thing but somehow it's beautiful, and you've always seen the beauty in the small things. And here is this great big beautiful thing being described that you have been longing to find words for, and here they are, these words that feel so close to you, this fear being described in a way that you can't forget. This fear being described in a way that makes you want to remember every single word for the rest of your life, because finally, someone has described this feeling, this choking, struggling feeling, and it is beautiful.

I Left My Heart In Places, Forgot Every One Of Their Faces

You are gone, but somehow, still here, and to me that doesn't seem fair. It doesn't seem fair that I can't find you, or that I don't even know where to look. You're gone, and I should be okay with that, it's been so long, but I'm not okay. I don't have a number or an address, and even if I did, what would I do with it?

You always said that I should write, that it was good, that it made you feel something, well do you feel something now? The chances that you are reading this are practically zero, and even if you were, what would you do with it? How would you know I was talking about you, and even if you knew, why would you care? I told you I stopped caring, but I didn't, and I thought about you for a long time, and then for no time at all. But here you are again, in my mind, and maybe it's just nostalgia but I miss you and if I could, I would have stayed, I'd never have left because I was your rock and you were mine, and somehow that became too much, so I let go.

I was scared to let you back in, you seemed to be everywhere I was and I couldn't take that. So now I'm the one on the other side, searching for you, wanting to get back in, but I won't find you and you won't read this and I'm not really okay with that.